Desire to be Ready

13. March 2015 Mama Diaries 0

Being a mom is tough. I never thought it was going to be easy, it was one of the reasons why I wanted to hold off on becoming one. February 2013, the first time I was pregnant, it was a complete surprise. I felt my body changing and I knew something was different. 

I took a pregnancy test to confirm. It was a surreal moment.

My husband was beyond ecstatic but I was nervously happy and scared. Though I was scared, I didn’t realize it then but my desire of wanting a baby was coming forth.

Prior to this moment, when we spoke about kids, I always said in 5 years, you see, I wanted more time before I became a mom . . .travel more, a better position at work. I was convinced to become a mom, I needed to be so much more than what I was, at any given time the prospect of being a mom came up. But I am grateful that God knew better, He knew me better, and His timing is always perfect.

What I have come to learn is, more important than ‘getting all your ducks in a row,’ is your desire to have a baby (and becoming a mother.) Because there are days you will fail and be simply bad at it but as long as that desire, that God-given desire is there, you can get through those rough days and seasons of motherhood.  I digress from ‘the life lesson’ bit of this post.. . .

During the 3 short weeks I was the mother to who I called baby ‘Henry’, I became so conscience and nervous of being a pregnant. I think my fears and stress of this new found revelation took its toll on my body. Without realizing it, I was beginning to lose our baby. By the time my birthday rolled around, I knew I had lost ‘him’ but I did not want to face it. When Monday rolled around, I called in and they did an ultrasound. I wanted Henry to be there. But I saw the look on the technician’s face, she no longer believed I was pregnant. We anxiously waited for our doctor office to confirm. Once they did, I broke down. I began to weep and blame myself. Contemplating if I had given my all to this baby, my desire to having a baby was being birthed and what once was fear and nervousness, turned to pain.

Through this painful moment, I realized how much I wanted a baby to love and to cherish.

Most woman I know, their desire of being a mother was innate, they knew they wanted to have babies as soon as they saw one but for me, I was so scared of failing, I could only want or know that I could be a mom, once I lost baby Henry. I only thought of nurseries and clothes once I knew a baby was growing in me. I only dreamt of reading to them when I felt them kick inside of me.

I remember my OB informing me that my body was physically able to conceive kids, but I may not be emotionally ready. I knew I wasn’t ready then. I was still reeling from all these thoughts: I wanted to physically be more ready (lose weight), I wanted to eat better, look better, I wanted to read more, take my prenatal vitamins. I had these plans again, as if, these steps were necessary to becoming a mother or having a baby. Foolish thoughts.

About a month later after I finished a normal cycle, I could not shack this feeling of wanting to be pregnant. I had become like my peers, starring at babies, wondering about my own. I knew then I wanted a baby more than I wanted to worry about  my long to do list.

On May 17th, we found out we were pregnant again. I was excited, this time, my heart was ready. As baby Emma was growing inside me, my heart was getting excited, it overtook all my thoughts of unpreparedness.

Today as I watch my daughter nap, I am in awe. I’m still unprepared, still feeling like I have so much to learn. I am not like those other moms but I know one thing for sure, I have this desire to be Emma’s mom and I am richer and better because of her. She has changed me.

I think about baby Henry seldom these days but when I do, I think about the day I will meet him in heaven – what he would look like and how much gratitude I have towards him. That may sound silly or wrong theology but I know there was a purpose and reason for him and I choose to rejoice for the short time I was able to be his mom.

 


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